Unfortunate Truths Regarding How I feel About My Own Pregnancy

I really don't want to write this post.

I feel guilty even thinking the things I have been thinking.

I hate the negative energy I'm likely passing on to my unborn child.

But I feel if I don't get this out, these thoughts will continue to consume me.

I hate being pregnant...

There...I said it...it's out. I hate being pregnant. It's been hard for me to hold onto this facade of loving every moment, when it's just not true. I have had multiple friends tell me how much they loved being pregnant, that this was the best time of their lives. I feel absolutely guilty saying that this has probably been one of the worst times of my life. What I'm about to say next is probably the most selfish thing someone can say when carrying a child, but I miss being me.

I miss being able to walk more than 10 minutes with braxton hicks contractions starting up and then continuing for the rest of the day.

I miss being able to eat a full meal and not feel like my stomach is going to rip open from being so full.

I miss being able to run without stopping every few minutes to catch my breath.

I miss shopping for whatever clothes I want and not being limited to a tiny rack at a store.

I miss sleeping on my stomach and/or back.

I miss being able to eat a slice of pizza without massive heartburn following.

I've been reading a ton of running mother blogs and looking at #pregnantrunner and #runningfortwo posts on instagram for inspiration, hoping I'd feel better, but the sad truth is, it only makes me more bitter. Why are there so many blogger and women on instagram that are 32+ weeks pregnant still able to run 6+ miles at a sub 10min/mi pace? While I struggle to run for more than 2 minutes without my heart rate going through the roof. Why are there so many women that no longer feel nauseous after 14 weeks, and here I am almost 30 and still throwing up? Where is this pregnancy glow I've been hearing so much about?

I honestly don't understand why any woman would do this to themselves again and have a second child.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my unborn child, I know this precious little thing inside of me is growing and preparing to make her grand entrance into the world, and I am absolutely not placing any blame on her. I love knowing that my body is capable of creating life. I love the thought of becoming a mother, but this pregnancy has just been hard. I mean I asked for this, in fact I paid a lot of money for this to happen. I want to be happy, but for some reason I just can't be. All I can think about is the fact that I can't wait until this is all over. When I can finally have my body back.

I decided to do a little research and I came across a website talking about "antenatal depression". On this website a woman shared her story about pregnancy. she said

"Where was my pregnancy glow?  Why did I feel like all I did was complain, vent and whine?" and “I just remember feeling a crushing weight and numbness. I wanted to not be pregnant anymore ...all my joy left like I was in a vacuum – and I was suddenly convinced a new baby was the end of everything as I knew it.”

This is exactly how I am feeling and it actually makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone in these thoughts. I'm going to keep research about antenatal depression, because I don't like feeling like this. There is one quote that has been crossing my mind a lot lately and I think it's kind of my motto right now.

This is what I need to hear.

To end this post on a more positive note, I really am excited to be a mother and I cannot wait to meet Zoe in the flesh. One thing I have loved about this pregnancy is feeling her little (sometimes not so little) kicks and punches. It's incredible to think that there is a life growing inside of me and as much as I am complaining, I am already honored to be her mother!